When I was a nice guy and fell for a woman, a predictable pattern would happen. I’d get close to her, mostly friend her, do nice things, be nice to her, and then start to feel even more for her.
I’m sure most of them knew what was going on even though I thought I was hiding it.
As the days or weeks past and nothing was happening between us physically, I grew impatient. I just HAD to TELL HER how I felt. (As if it was going to change something. As if it would get her to make a move on me. Obviously neither being true.)
The sad outcome was always the same… rejection. Or what I thought were excuses: “I don’t want to ruin the friendship.” “I like someone else.” “I’m not ready for a relationship.” “You’re nice, but I’m just not interested.” Etc… (Tell me what you’ve heard.)
This nice guy urge and pattern is very common but it doesn’t have to be.
We actually think telling her is going to change something. We believe it’s going to make her feel something back. Perhaps in some romantic moment her eyes would become teary, her lips would purse, and she’d throw herself at us like some far our fantasy movie.
But it never worked for me as I’m sure it doesn’t work for other nice guys too because the cold hard truth is, we’re leaving in a dream world. It doesn’t work for a few reasons but the main is and will always be… She’s just not feeling attraction.
Nothing was going on but a friendship no matter how much we want to believe she’s hiding her feelings and deciding not to feel something back because of “other” things.
The solution to breaking this pattern is simple,
“Don’t admit your true feelings until she does.”
Feels bad though, doesn’t it.
Feels like we have to be jerks. How it’s bad to ever show a woman your true feelings. How we’re men and we’re not allowed to do these kind of things because it’s not masculine.
BUT that’s not true. This very real problem, “admitting your feelings before her” is often misunderstood.
No one is saying you have to keep the game up. No one is saying men are not allowed to tell a woman how we feel.
What is being said is,
IF she’s not feeling attracted, telling her won’t make a difference. It will not suddenly make her feel something.
“…And no amount of chasing her around, buying her things, and being “nice” is going to do the trick.” – Why Being Too Nice To Women And Not Understanding Attraction Hurts
In fact if you’re really paying attention you would know without a doubt, not when it’s okay to say how you feel, but when it’s the RIGHT TIME TO MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN. A kiss, holding her hand, a sexy hug, or something physical which SHOWS her you’re a man and that you’re willing to risk rejection by taking the lead and doing something.
There must be some sort of real attraction happening and making that happen as soon as possible is more important. If you skip that part, telling her won’t mean a thing. It will more likely destroy any attraction she might be feeling the longer you wait to tell her or DO something.
It’s okay to admit your feelings AFTER she tells you and it’s okay (with some sort of realism because telling her how you love her after one date is not being realistic or smart) to tell her AFTER you kiss her or become intimate in any way. (Again as long as you’re not too far ahead of her.)
No matter how it feels. No matter how hard you want to say something. No matter how in love you feel.
Because ATTRACTION MUST COME FIRST.
“Women won’t ever make the first move even though they might think they have given you all the “go” signs to kiss them.” Why You Must Face Your Fears and Go In For That First Kiss
Attraction allows space for romantic moments to happen. Romance does not create attraction.
IMPORTANT: This is NOT relationship advice, got it?
Women tend to be very vocal about their attraction to guys.
When they start feeling attracted to a guy they tend to over think and over analyze everything. This typically makes it impossible for them to not let something out.
This means you ARE going to know when it’s the right time to move forward and get physical and if you’re not good at knowing these things, learn them. More importantly make them happen by doing and saying the right things… and not the wrong things hoping something’s going to change.
If what is happening to her is being caused by you, and that’s clear, then move forward and pull back enough for her to “think” and feel even more.
If you meet a woman and only act like a really nice friend and avoid causing attraction or making it happen, then it’s too late. Try again with another woman. Trust me you’ll save yourself a lot of heartache and time.
Friendships take time to develop.
Attraction happens within an instant and either builds or decreases and then disappears.
Create the attraction and then get closer.
DO something which lets her know you’re feeling it too.
Don’t wait (and wait and wait) hoping she will do everything for you because she won’t.
It doesn’t happen that way… ever.
Admitting your feelings to her out-of-order doesn’t suddenly make her feel attraction for you IF it’s not there.
Don’t admit your feelings until it’s the right time.
Generally speaking, you shouldn’t tell her how you feel before her. But it’s a rule, not a law. It’s meant to help guys who get it wrong all the time.
What’s important to get right is the order:
Focus on creating attraction and making a connection.
Then get a little physical. DO something which shows you’re feeling something too.
Step back a little and allow her time to think and feel something more.
Then, do it again.