I’m in kind of an odd position …… After being divorced/single for 7 yrs I’d always said NO to relationships it was all just sex ….. Until recently when i got back in touch with an old school friend …..back in the day we were very close but I had no self confidence so nothing ever happened.
She commented on some of the videos I’d posted on social media and we got chatting again….where I discovered she had been separated for 6 months…. I’m a big believer in fate ……..lots of things started happening and eventually I thought this is all for a reason …..so I asked her out (for lunch) and we went out and started to get to know each other again after 22 years apart……
We began to text alot and I asked her on a proper date …..we went out and she missed the last train home by 7 hrs !!!! We had a great time and she ended the night by kissing ME …… I think it was to see how it felt……if she could do it …….or it could have been to shut me up !
We begun texting even more BUT she told me she had thought (by my social media exploits) that I was a bit of a knob and although she knew she’d have a great night out I’d probably annoy her at some point ……… she also said how surprised she was that I’m NOT a knob and how much she enjoyed my company……that I had completely changed her opinion of me .
We kept on texting and she’d had a tough time with her ex and kids so I left her some flowers a little bottle of wine and a cup cake on her windscreen …….she was really appreciative…….we agreed to go out again ……this time on her wedding anniversary ! ……I knew it could go either way …….but I charmed the pants off her (not literally) and we had another great night ……this time I kissed her and I could tell she wanted the kiss and ment it ……I have been the perfect gentleman……. she’s new to being single …….. I’m 7 yrs down the line …….we carried on texting and she gave me her entire schedule for dating …..she has mentioned that she isn’t girlfriend material at the moment and I’ve always said slow down ! Let’s just enjoy each others company……but I’m actually rareing to go ……..I would gladly fall head over heels in love with her …..that is the first time I’ve used that word in 7 yrs
So I ask again for a date …….no reply but still lots of texting ……. I’m not going to push it again ……it’s her birthday coming up so I make a cake ……I know it sounds weird but it was for a reason…… Her son can’t eat gluten so I sourced all safe ingredients got her a nice bottle of Gin and gave it all to her sister to give her …..on Saturday I sent a text asking if she’d like to go out next weekend as a treat for her birthday ……. nothing all day ………I didn’t send one on the Sunday neither did she ……. I sent a message Monday saying Happy birthday ……..I got one back saying the cake and present were fantastic and a lot of thought had gone into them …… Nothing else ……..
I’m absolutely gutted I think my taking it slow has still been too fast for her …… I’ve been in her position so I’m annoyed at myself …….I have apologised if I’ve pushed her and left it at that ……. I have other options to go for dates …… I’ve been accepted to go on TV dating show but it’s her I want …….I know I should hold my nerve but I’ve waited 27 yrs for my chance with her and If I’ve messed up I’ll be destroyed …….help me O B wan you’re my only hope !
The one thing I learned about “courting” a woman is that if the conditions are not close to reasonable timing OR she’s not feeling much towards the guy, it could take a long time (closer to forever or never) for that to happen.
In your case it’s bad timing for her AND she’s only feeling attracted a little.
I also learned women tend to be in two states with men and dating… girlfriend mode or attraction.
The girlfriend wants things to move forward. She wants to be courted. She wants to be romanced.
Attraction works a little different – She’s feeling it deeply. She can’t understand it OR you. She’s not sure where it’s going. Things just happen. She will over think and analyze anything and everything you do or say to (sort of) “compartmentalize” her feelings the same way she thinks you might.
Yeah – it’s a little more complicated and over simplified than that but for now… In your case…
You’re focused on putting her in “girlfriend mode” because that’s what YOU want BUT (depending on stranger circumstances) a woman will always and naturally move to girlfriend mode through attraction.
You can’t place her there or act like you’re trying to make her your girlfriend before the real attraction happens.
You need to stop “courting” her so much and start focusing on creating a deeper attraction and then although things to move at a more normal place.
Dating other women certainly helps but that’s more about you and not her. She might feel a little jealous but she won’t be urged to “act” or become your girlfriend (leading to someplace positive) UNLESS she’s formed an over the top attraction for you.
So yes, it always good to focus on yourself and your other options and stuff like that. Yes, do exactly what you’re doing to other women and you’ll find it will eventually work but only IF she’s already attracted to you or for other reasons which are not always the best for both of you.
Focus on creating attraction and less courting or romance.
Romance is great BUT it won’t help here and it does little to create attraction. She was starting to feel it for you (the kiss and more) but you quickly went to “making her your girlfriend” and romance to prove you’re a good mate or boyfriend. So you kind of destroyed it a little. (You also gave away your hand too.)
Let her figure out those things about you on her own terms and they’ll mean more and the answers she concludes will also be more effective in attraction. They will also allow her more time to build an attraction to you.
Use any romance sparingly and make sure it’s less like about you trying to prove you’d make a great boyfriend.
Use any romance (at this point) to ONLY build a desire for you and NOT to prove anything but a prelude or a glimpse into seduction.
Don’t be discouraged. She was or is feeling it a little for you and that’s a good thing. Everything you wrote about the beginning and how it all started up proves that it’s there.
Since you appear to be connected to “Star Wars” in some way, and as it was actually taught to me with the same analogy from David himself…
NOW is the time to BE more Han Solo and less Luke.
“Avoid standard courtship, pursuing, and chasing one specific women or all them by setting up “meetings” which center around around this magical formula…” – Being Hard To Get or How To Become One Without Playing Games
I didn’t say act – I specifically said “BE”. The difference is one of game playing and the other is not.
Give her every opportunity (along with the right amount of space) to start feeling a deeper level of attraction for you. Switch up your romantic gestures to something closer to creating desire.
BE more patient than her.
STOP and don’t ever apologize again for pushing her by first, not saying it, and second, by not setting the conditions of you having to apologize.
The absolute TRUTH about what’s going to happen sucks because we don’t know BUT I will say, IF what you want today is something she is not ready for than yes, it’s a tough decision but immediately start looking for a woman who is ready and is feeling it enough for you to start a quicker relationship.
Yet, never forget, do exactly what I’ve lightly outlined for you and I have a very good feeling, down the road, you’re going to find her ready, willing, and capable to BE your girlfriend and she’s going to let you know when that happens.
Good luck Alex,