I really do hate labeling people and it’s not entirely because no one likes to be judged or feel like they are being misjudged, that’s a little too obvious.
It’s because people tend to fit in so many categories and just because someone acted like a jerk doesn’t mean they actually are one.
We have ALL done some something stupid at one point or another and to be judged by one or a few of those “off” moments is not always right.
Not one single act can define a reasonable person. It's the sum of ALL your actions which makes you, you.
— Peter White (@PeterWhite125) August 26, 2016
Maybe these “labels” get to me because for so long the attractive women I wanted, the ones whose image would linger in my head when my eyes closed, would reject me and of course the most common reason was, “You’re a nice guy, but…”
The “nice guy” thing was beyond frustrating and caused me to despise not only the ones who rejected me, but the guys who they choose to be with instead of me.
So, as the judgment went to me it would then be passed to others to excuse my failures. (I imagine it makes us feel a little better for a while.)
“Are you always conflicted inside, torn between not wanting to be nice but also not being able, capable, or willing to NOT play fair anymore?” – Do You Think Being Nice Is Why You’re Not Successful Attracting Women?
Slowly, this nice guy became a closet misogynist who didn’t necessarily hate women but hated their choices. ALL of them. Not only the guys they chose but what I started to see was materialistic goals and/or social climbers who cared more about how others saw them over finding their own real happiness.
Like they would rather be unhappy and miserable dating the one guy who had every other women already in their pocket.
This nice guy image, which appeared to be my downfall meant I had to define myself on some scale. After all it’s very hard to see whee you are unless you have something to compare it with.
If I was the “nice guy” someone else had to be bad or worse than me. Someone else had to be the jerk. Someone else would have to be a player. Someone else had to be the real asshole. Why not make it the very same men who treated women less than what I thought was appropriate?
After all, despite their actions of being what appeared beneath me, they managed to succeed where I would consistently fail.
Where, when, and how these judgments begins or begins to grow as we age is very easy to see. Doesn’t mean we are able to stop them or take a more reasonable approach, just that it doesn’t take years of personal abuse to recognize it’s happening.
Yet, we, I, others continue to allow it to grow until a point where it consumed so many of our private and sometimes all too public thoughts.
Trust me. I’m not excusing any of my actual thoughts or the process in which it happened or how it all came to today.
The point being…
Wherever you put yourself, however you judge yourself, how others may see you from time to time, how others might label you because of something you’ve done or even publicly plan to do but never actually get there:
Just like me…
You’re not a nice guy.
You’re not a jerk.
You’re not a loser.
You’re not a player.
You’re not some asshole bent on making everyone else inferior to your will.
You’re never nothing and you’re never all either.
In the world of being a good guy and still succeeding with the women you set your eyes on, all you can really do is steer.
If you think “she” is turning you down because you’re nice – that does not make you a nice guy doomed to fail.
“Do nice guys really deserve something such as a really hot chic just because they believe they’re better than someone else?” – Does A Nice Guy Deserve Some Hot Chic? What Makes Him Better?
Just the same, if you believe “she” only goes for jerks instead of you, that does not make them jerks and it certainly does not make them better or worse than you.
Being rejected sucks. That I know.
Being turned down because we’re too nice stabs at the very core of who we believe we are and it feels unfair. We could easily feel helpless and label the world cruel by taking it personal or from the heart BUT…
A label won’t get you laid or land you a girlfriend or even increase your dating success with a woman of real substance.
Just the same, a label won’t stop you from succeeding or take away from your choices either.
Something I try to do is to define myself in a non-judgmental way where my actions are not an extension of who I want to be – or what I want others to see – but to actually avoid at all costs defining myself in a restricted container.
The sum of all our actions might ultimately decide who we are but any reasonable “good” person doesn’t seem to benefit much from deciding that fate or even trying to affect it positively.
Instead – and very specifically with regards to ANY nice guy who wishes to explore his attractiveness and sexuality in a healthy way which makes him feel good to wake up every single day despite the last…
It’s not what you want to be.
It’s not what you want others to see.
It’s not what others think they see in you.
It’s how you see past all the judgmental labels and not let it affect you personally.
“Why do you believe nice guys are considered to be losers with regards to their relationships or more specifically with the women they can not have?” – If Being Nice Means Being A Loser With Women, Must We Admit It First?
It’s really how you make a woman feel in a moment or in a group of moments and that alone will ALWAYS override any label or passing of a judgement up to and including the nice guy image which you might feel is holding you back.
Focus on those moments and how you (hopefully in a positive way) affect a change in her emotions and make her feel something better in an attractive way and not any real reasonable woman will ever reject you because you’re too nice.