There are two main areas to look at if a nice guy is to attract more women.
One is internal. The other is external.
They are most commonly called the “inner” and “outer” game but I’ll switch it up a bit.
The “inner game” is about yourself or your inner thoughts and processes and the “outer game” was simply how you play or “game” women into feeling something for you.
Another, perhaps easier way to think of all this is:
MY belief is you can choose to do or focus on either one, nicely or not, and still attract women.
Yes, you can completely game lots of women into bed with you but I won’t comment on the type of women you will be picking up or how honest those acts will be.
You can also remain completely selfish to your personal goals and still have women become enormously attracted to you.
Both can happen regardless of how you treat women.
Both can happen without any prediction of a healthy relationship because as I recently learned from my mentor – “Dating & Attraction skills are much different from the skills needed to function happily in a relationship.” – Intimacy Intensive. (For more help on relationships, here are some outside resources – Relationship & Communication Skills)
Once more time:
BOTH can happen regardless of money, looks, social status, marital status, or even your health.
Personally I believe most men are better off focusing on “accidental” attraction or the internal part because it makes an overall “better” man and women will begin to feel attraction regardless of many other things.
However, the external piece may have its benefits early on to gain some well needed experience and to understand how “the game” works.
We’re all better off finding a balance which works best for our current and future needs and allowing the balance to shift more to the internal as needed.
Yes, the internal piece does take longer. The external, although not confined completely to it, but may only be a quick fix.
We’re getting a little too deep here and it’s something I’m trying no to do so…
How about a couple of examples of attraction using both methods:
The INTERNAL man:
Generally has a remarkable and likable personality. He’s confident but humble. He avoids bragging and is always willing to help others as long as that help is within reason.
Women normally take a little longer to become attracted to this type of guy BUT when she does, she becomes practically obsessive over everything he does.
His life may be anything from quiet and shy and his social life doesn’t have to be outlandish, however his life does not revolve around women.
Now alone, all those qualities do create accidental attraction as long as he doesn’t destroy it by making a ton of mistakes.
He can also help his cause (or is a must to further his dating and relationship experiences) with a more than average understanding of how women work or how he attraction is created.
This is how the stereotypical nice guy struggles with women if he’s strictly the “internal type”.
He has many of those qualities BUT his life revolves around women or he bases his self-esteem and confidence on how women see him… It’s the old – “Women don’t go for me so I must be ugly.”
He doesn’t have any or has an assumed knowledge on what women want or attracted to based on his childhood experiences and his somewhat relationship with his Mother.
What the internal suggests is that if we can remove those mistakes, re-frame his belief system, and give him a course of how attraction works he will “accidentally” begin to attract more women than he ever has before while doing no other work at.
His success becomes limited to his skills in transitional phases such as going from talking to hand holding to kissing to dating to relationships and his success is limited to his social life.
In other words if this guy is not meeting women his success is limited to who he meets and is mostly determined through dumb luck or circumstance.
The EXTERNAL man.
This guy is a little easier to describe because purposely or not, he “games” women.
He can do anything and be anything but normally he finds himself in a position which some women are attracted to and therefore are more open to be gamed. Such as bar scenes, clubs, sport teams, authority figures, etc..
Don’t get me wrong. There are “ethical” practices to the external part but for clarity’s sake, let’s make him generally a prick. 🙂
He’ll use women against other women to further his expertise and choices.
His aim to very generally piss off women through his words or actions and doesn’t normally care what they think.
He can be the classic “bad boy” and women easily mistake him for the internal man which draws them to him. Because of this he can use tricks or mind games to his advantage without ever actually having to play them.
He stacks the deck in his favor and lets the game play out in his favor.
The external man is NOT totally wrong.
He doesn’t have to be an asshole BUT I’d say for the most part or for learning purposes, the better man uses the internal man inside him and builds an external man on top of it.
When one exists without the other there are definite limitations and certain problems that happen which are normally predictable.
One is not entirely good and the other is not entirely bad. I just broke it up that way because it feels a little easier to see the difference.
Think of it this way – a man regardless of who he is “internally” can attract women through his conversational ability or social status alone and he would be the “external” type.
Being either one of them may not be predictive of having a healthy relationship although I suppose “internal man” might be better suited for it to a degree. If he has little communication skills then a relationship will certainly be much tougher to keep.
If you’re a nice guy and want to start dating and attracting more women then, as I stated above, it’s best to find a balance between the two above (internal and external) which works best for you and then allow that balance to shift as needed.
Here are some things to think about (or ask yourself) to help you find a better balance and to understand where to go from here:
- Which do you believe fits you more? The Internal man or the External man.
- Are you over analytical or do you think about problems more than acting to fix them?
- Do you believe there is a logical way to fix your problems with women?
- Do you believe you can attract women entirely from the internal side or accidentally?
- Have you seen the external game working and if so, did you know why and how it worked?
- Which method would you prefer to work on more – external or internal?
- Do you think this is all semantics and prefer to think of them is “inner” and “outer” game?
- Do you think they are inseparable and in order to achieve whatever success you want you must focus on both?
- IMPORTANT: What is primary goal related to women? What do you wish to succeed?
- IMPORTANT: What are your secondary goals related to women? Those not as important but definitely on your list.