In the “nice guys approach to attraction” this is number one because changing a woman’s emotional state and/or sexual energy seems to come all too easy for the jerks, the bad boys, and the players, yet appears to be very difficult (and often avoided) for nice guys.
Let’s take a quick look at how each type of men changes her emotionally and then we’ll look into a “nicer” way of doing it. (Keep in mind these are not “everything” and we’re only going to touch the surface of what is happening with these types of guys.)
THE JERK – We all know the jerk changes her state constantly and yes, some women are addicted to that drama. He creates a roller coaster of “fun” with deep dips and huge climbs up. Unfortunately for her, the “fun” will often turn things negatively.
A woman is usually attracted to his “I don’t give a fuck” attitude and then gets sucked into the drama. Sometimes it’s a self-esteem thing for her. Sometimes it’s the appearance of indifference he displays.
The point is, for this post, it’s the emotional highs and lows a woman experiences which she may become attracted to and not that man himself leaving her in a difficult situation.
THE BAD BOY – The bad boy usually does it with pure excitement. His “living on the edge” is addictive and fun to almost ANY woman. The high those women experience can last for years or even a lifetime.
She may date the bad boy for this reason alone and yet still find herself a comfortable man to settle down with while always dreaming of the “bad boy” she could never tame.
The bad boy, although may have a self-destructive lifestyle, tends to create these emotional shifts for her naturally as an extension from him.
THE PLAYER – The player generally does this by making her special and playing on her feelings about herself and others. He wants to make her feel like she is the only one for him. He will not only play on the lower self-esteem women but for him to achieve a so-called success with the “higher-ups”, he must be on the top of his game.
The player can also create drama but since that is not in his best interest, he’ll try to avoid it. His game in changing her emotional states is through fake romance, building her esteem, playing on her low self-esteem, and more.
Sometimes he will play the role of the “been hurt before” and how he feels unworthy of love but for that to work for him, he either needs to be attractive or have created attraction.
Either way, his game is to assure her emotional states are constantly being tweaked and changed to his advantage.
Each of those types of men directly or indirectly, naturally or unnaturally, creates emotionally ups and downs without too much interest (or trying) to ease or smooth them out.
THE NICE GUY – He appears to be afraid of a woman’s emotions. He wants to treat her as if she’ll break.
His intent is to make her all too comfortable even at the risk of losing his self-respect and dignity.
In a way he’s more manipulative than the jerk or player because he hides behind his “good intentions” and moral high ground explaining all his actions as being “better” than them when in fact, he’s still being manipulative.
He tries to make or keep her happy instead of relying on her feelings of attraction and connection to him. He attempts to create something which won’t allow her to naturally wade through (and experience) those needed emotional ups and downs.
Since attraction is somewhat related to her emotional states, just by trying to smooth them out or make them go away, the nice guy finds it difficult to create attraction.
Whereas the jerk, the bad boy, and the player, either creates the drama artificially or not, along with the emotional shifts, the nice guy downplays them, avoids them, or attempts to smooth them out the edges. This makes her feel nothing for him but a friendship and nothing more.
One big mistake nice guys do is “try” to make or keep a woman happy, hoping it will create attraction or keep the attraction alike.
The nice guy should NOT be concerned with her happiness directly if he’s to succeed with her and create an emotional bond along with attraction (in the beginning.)
I know – don’t worry about her happiness???!!! That’s not very nice at all! Somewhat true but…
Think of it this way instead.
Her happiness must become a side-effect or a reaction to who you are and her attraction towards you.
This is where most nice guys totally miss the point.
You can not MAKE (or force) someone else happy BUT you CAN do things which will stimulate a happy response. You CAN easily create moments which are more likely to invoke happiness.
The attraction she feels will make her generally happy so it’s best to focus on attraction and allow her happiness to develop from within her.
You can not create attraction by “trying” to make or keep her happy but you can make her happy by creating attraction.
Think of it in terms of giving a gift to a woman you’re involved with, do you actually believe the “gift” is what brings joy to her eyes.
No, it’s not.
It’s because it came from YOU.
A stranger giving her something of value is creepy.
However, when you spend the time, when you truly understand a woman, when your love, affection, or attraction creates a gift it has more value. Not because it costs money – but the work you put into it gives it a real value.
If you put a high value on you, your time, who you are to be in this world, and then focus some energy on that gift – it means a lot to a woman.
The ACT alone makes it easier for her to create her own happiness.
Giving a gift to a woman (hoping she’ll like you for it or feel attracted to you because of it) does NOT work when there’s no emotional attachment to it or you.
My point is, trying to make someone happy does not create attraction. When a woman genuinely feels attracted to you, at certain moments, she WILL feel happy. Focus on the attraction which from being who you are and NOT “trying” to make her happy thinking that will create attraction because it does NOT work that way.
We have already seen or know a woman can become extremely attracted to men who are no good for her.
He interacts with her differently than the nice guy which is a large part of how the attraction is initially created BUT…
For the attraction to build, grow, maintain itself over time she must become emotionally attached to the MAN which is a good thing.
This means it becomes more about the guy and who he is (or how he appears to her, right or wrong) and less about how she is unfortunately treated. Within reason of course and I am in NO way advocating you start treating women badly.
This a great news for nice guys because if he learns how to interact and communicate with women a certain way, all the time, he can focus on himself, his habits, his self-worth, and other things which make him a “real” man AND he can still be a good guy and attract lots of women.
“…if any “nice guy” is to achieve success with women: Become a REAL man who just happens to be a good guy.” – Being Nice Is Bad & Real Men Can Be Good
It’s about WHO you are and HOW you present yourself (interact) to women.
Those two things alone will indirectly create all the different emotional states a woman needs to feel a deep attraction and then an attachment to you.
You then must allow her to wade through and experience everything she feels.
In the next few chapters we’re going to go deeper into a woman’s emotions, her sexual energy, where and how her emotions are created, how using logic is not a good thing, and how aside from all social values or customs, women are the feminine side of humanity so it’s best for you to just BE the masculine side.
See you then,