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The Nice Guys Approach To Attracting Women

After She Rejected You, Have You Ever Thought About Asking Her Why?

in Are We Losers?, Rejection

There’s this movie or show, I’m not sure exactly, a guy’s been rejected by so many women he decides to ask what he did wrong. I guess they were ex-girlfriends and he wanted to know what made him such a bad boyfriend.

A typical nice guy would have no luck trying something like that because he usually doesn’t have many ex-girlfriends to call anyways. During my dark years of over a decade I would have no one to actually call but I was thinking…

Have you ever imagined asking every woman who rejected you for the absolute truth about why they did it?

Have you ever wished some of them would “spare your feelings” so you could actually learn something from it?

Well I have imagined doing it and just after I was coming out of my “dark decade” it was seriously considered. Of course there was a few women where I thought I whined it out them… “Just tell me why… please… is it this? or that?” but that’s neither here nor there. 🙂

I also realized (after getting a real education on how attraction works for women) the inherent problems with asking why and/or having them “spare your feelings”. Some of it was pointed out exactly, some of it was realized over time.

First problem.

Are women entirely aware or understand their own attraction mechanism?

Think about it in terms of you of your own attraction – when you instantly feel attracted to a woman you don’t know, whether it’s her hair, eyes, body, or anything – can YOU explain WHY you’re feeling it? Can you honestly explain WHY it happened?

Probably not.

Could we then trust her “honest” answer when she might not be aware of what really attracts her?

Sure we could assume when she says things like – “I like tall dark handsome men.” or “I only go for guys with blue eyes.” or “Tattoos turn me on!!!” that it’s entirely true (or what she believes) BUT based on my many experiences with women who SAID they were only attracted to certain guys NOT like me – we were already screwing.

What I learned about her attraction mechanism is that whatever she says attracts her (his physical features) – those can be overridden. Not in all woman all the time, but definitely a fair share of them making it worth the effort.

Second problem.

There are two parts of dating:

  1. Our feelings and how we have no real conscious control of how they happen. The part that’s built into us and run automatically like breathing.
  2. Our decision-making process or how our conscious thoughts compel us to say yes or no or to do something or nothing at all.

We must admit just because we’re feeling something for someone does not guarantee something will actually happen.

We either CHOOSE to follow our emotions or not.

When you ask her “why” which answer will you be getting – The reason she won’t go out on a date with you or let something happen OR why she’s not feeling anything for you?

Again, turn to your own mechanism. When you meet a women and you feel zero attraction for her, why? Tough to say anything except a reason why you don’t think she’s attractive.

On the other side – when you reject a woman you ARE attracted to, your reason will most likely be based on circumstance, personality, a personal issue, or all three. This is number 2. A decision or conscious process based on how you think.

So the second problem is, which answer will you get?

Her quick rational thought like, “I just can’t see us being together… EVER!” OR the emotional part, “I don’t find you attractive. I don’t get that feeling for a guy or guys like you.”

Either way, neither answer would be helpful.

Third problem is a bit of a mixture of a problem most men already know…

Women will “say” they want or not want something or someone but often we see them with or attracted to that very thing or person.

What they want or what they need is not always known until they either don’t have it or can’t get it.

Also, a woman might tell you she’s not attracted so something about you but when it comes to another guy, that very same thing doesn’t seem to matter to her.

Yeah, makes things very confusing, doesn’t it?

Well, sort of…

It’s only confusing when you don’t understand attraction, how it works for women, and the fact that a woman’s attraction is not the same as a man.

When I decided to not ask women what they “said” they wanted (and as it was taught to me to focus on doing things which create attraction instead), suddenly even some of the past problems which I thought would turn women off, was actually turning them on.

I also realized we ALL have our own excuses and we get in our own way. Something most guys don’t want to hear. Something some women will gladly point out to us IF it’s a problem for us.

IF there’s something about you which YOU believe is not attracting the women you want, then of course it will become a real problem for you.

“It’s not that she saw a “sad lonely guy who couldn’t get laid” which does you in – it’s the trying to prove to her you’re better than that which inevitably squeezes you out.”Saw You As A Sad Lonely Guy Who Couldn’t Get Laid

The strange thing most men never learn is that with women, HOW you can handle or deal with your insecurities can be a major force in creating attraction. The strength of our character to deal with our insecurities contains a trigger of attraction for women.


Am I saying you can’t ask a woman questions like these, “Why don’t you like me or want me?” or “Why wouldn’t you date me?” or “Why aren’t you attracted to me?” and expect an answer you can use?

In a way, yes.

I’ve found it’s not very helpful and it does not guarantee we can make ourselves more attractive to women.

The answers we must seek are not contained within the words or guys she describes BUT what stimulus she responds to despite what she says.

“The lady doth protest too much, methinks” wasn’t written in this context but the phrase works well to describe how her words or even what she claims to be true, might not only be the opposite of what she is feeling or could feel in the future, but also an intuitive insight that spoken words are not always a clear representation of reality.

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About the author: Creator of the nice guy approach, why do guys, why do chics, and DiaLteG TM. Transformed from a nice guy kiss ass who wanted women to like me for “who I was” to an attractive “good guy” who knows what it takes to create attraction and succeed with women, dating, and relationships.

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1 comment… add one
  • Paul

    Since rejection is always guaranteed, I’ve never asked a woman out in the first place. No woman has ever shown the slightest interest as anything more than a friend. Even though friends and family say I’ll find someone eventually, I know they’re just saying that – nobody believes it. Many guys will succeed with women, and good for them. But those of us who are fundamentally grotesque don’t have a chance, so it’s not worth trying.

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